out of death into life

At the start of this year I took a leap and entered into some fellowship regarding transitioning into another, dare I say, phase in my Christian life. As one born, even actually born(again) for this line of 'work', this decision did not come lightly. And there were many a fears and many a doubt and plenty of anxieties that surrounded this leap, but the Lord in His mighty wisdom has given me a husband who bears me as I wear all these emotional struggles on my sleeve. It was difficult to believe that the Lord would take me in a direction that seemed away from what I had known to be right for so long. . . but there was just a sense of something having died in the current situation that could no longer be ignored. Some days the longing to continue on in the things familiar along with the occasional touching of joy caused me to want to brush the other feelings under the rug, but it wasn't long again before the stench of death would resurface only more stinky than before proving that this was clearly becoming a matter of life & death.

Early on in my days of service there was a story told of a lamb in Israel who was found wounded and left by all around it except the fretting tourists desiring to give it mouth to mouth. A young child told them not to struggle or cry, because, the little lamb, having been held up and then let go, let out one last cry and dropped to the ground, and the child said: "It dead, miss. It dead."

"It dead" has rung in my ears each time I have struggled with trying to uphold the existence of the fractured team and infuse it with life. But something in it, whatever it was it doesn't really matter, had become old and dead. There is no reason to fret over it or tend to it as if it were actually still alive. It must be left behind only to be buried. If there is anything of life in it let the Lord Himself resurrect it as proof. That part is not up to you. Slowly I realized that instead of a broom the Lord was handing me a shovel. Simply forget about cleaning it up; just bury it. It dead.

So now with every step taken in this transition, there has been this gradual turn in my being from doubt & fear & anxieties towards the sense of life & towards believing. Realizing that in resurrection the life within me that is so rich in feeling is the life of the One who is fully able to infuse me with the faith to believe in Him for our going on if only I would turn, look, and live. Taking comfort in believing that the One who has led me & even brought me through all these years is the One who will also bring me through all the next until the end of my days. Between my God and I both, there is a longing not merely for a service, but for a life of service fully involving a living Person. Not clinging to the familiar things of old, but each and every day trusting in a real and living Person who is life, full of newness, and who is Resurrection Himself. For Jesus said: I am the resurrection and the life. And that, "I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly" {John 10:1ob}. It is also comforting to realize that this life of service is not dependent on whether one is supported or not. Rather this life stems from the divinely-human life we have received in our second birth. We are actually saved to serve. We were all reborn to serve Him, by Him, with Him, through Him, and in Him. It's in our genes! He's in us, and we're in Him!

With the month of June approaching fast the generous support of the church will soon be stopped. Hubby is graduating and will also be seeking employment and with rent and all things bill-related due at the start of the month this girl has got to get a move on. So last night I let my dual part-time PC's know that I will be needing to dedicate more of my time to finding a job. And today I received an email from the brothers with subject line: "RE: the ending of {myfirstname&lastinitial}'s full time service." There's something so chillingly business-like & final about receiving this email, seeming to have lost the feeling of anything organic. Perhaps it was because having transitioned before elsewhere I didn't receive such a letter. But their thanking me for my service & outlining the practical details of my last support definitely seemed to solidify the signing off of my life as an 'employed' full-timer. Like perhaps this time there's no looking back. But at least now there is a sense of liberty from the former things: a passing from death into life. The Bible says, The Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Following the sense of life and peace is truly where it's at. In following the Lamb wherever He may go 'tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.